introduction ever since 1759, when voltaire wrote"candide" in ridicule of the notion that this is the best of all possible worlds,this world has been a gayer place for readers. voltaire wrote it in three days, and fiveor six generations have found that its laughter does not grow old."candide" has not aged. yet how different the book would havelooked if voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty years later than 1759.it would have been, among other things, a book of sights and sounds.
a modern writer would have tried to catchand fix in words some of those atlantic changes which broke the atlantic monotonyof that voyage from cadiz to buenos ayres. when martin and candide were sailing thelength of the mediterranean we should have had a contrast between naked scarpedbalearic cliffs and headlands of calabria in their mists. we should have had quarter distances, farhorizons, the altering silhouettes of an ionian island.colored birds would have filled paraguay with their silver or acid cries. dr. pangloss, to prove the existence ofdesign in the universe, says that noses
were made to carry spectacles, and so wehave spectacles. a modern satirist would not try to paintwith voltaire's quick brush the doctrine that he wanted to expose. and he would choose a more complicateddoctrine than dr. pangloss's optimism, would study it more closely, feel hisdestructive way about it with a more learned and caressing malice. his attack, stealthier, more flexible andmore patient than voltaire's, would call upon us, especially when his learning got alittle out of control, to be more than patient.
now and then he would bore us."candide" never bored anybody except william wordsworth. voltaire's men and women point his caseagainst optimism by starting high and falling low.a modern could not go about it after this fashion. he would not plunge his people into anunfamiliar misery. he would just keep them in the misery theywere born to. but such an account of voltaire's procedureis as misleading as the plaster cast of a dance.look at his procedure again.
mademoiselle cunegonde, the illustriouswestphalian, sprung from a family that could prove seventy-one quarterings,descends and descends until we find her earning her keep by washing dishes in thepropontis. the aged faithful attendant, victim of ahundred acts of rape by negro pirates, remembers that she is the daughter of apope, and that in honor of her approaching marriage with a prince of massa-carrara all italy wrote sonnets of which not one waspassable. we do not need to know french literaturebefore voltaire in order to feel, although the lurking parody may escape us, that heis poking fun at us and at himself.
his laughter at his own methods grows moreunmistakable at the last, when he caricatures them by casually assembling sixfallen monarchs in an inn at venice. a modern assailant of optimism would armhimself with social pity. there is no social pity in "candide." voltaire, whose light touch on familiarinstitutions opens them and reveals their absurdity, likes to remind us that theslaughter and pillage and murder which candide witnessed among the bulgarians was perfectly regular, having been conductedaccording to the laws and usages of war. had voltaire lived to-day he would havedone to poverty what he did to war.
pitying the poor, he would have shown uspoverty as a ridiculous anachronism, and both the ridicule and the pity would haveexpressed his indignation. almost any modern, essaying a philosophictale, would make it long. "candide" is only a "hamlet" and a halflong. it would hardly have been shorter ifvoltaire had spent three months on it, instead of those three days. a conciseness to be matched in english bynobody except pope, who can say a plagiarizing enemy "steals much, spendslittle, and has nothing left," a conciseness which pope toiled and sweatedfor, came as easy as wit to voltaire.
he can afford to be witty, parenthetically,by the way, prodigally, without saving, because he knows there is more wit wherethat came from. one of max beerbohm's cartoons shows us theyoung twentieth century going at top speed, and watched by two of his predecessors. underneath is this legend: "the gravemisgivings of the nineteenth century, and the wicked amusement of the eighteenth, inwatching the progress (or whatever it is) of the twentieth." this eighteenth century snuff-taking andmalicious, is like voltaire, who nevertheless must know, if he happens tothink of it, that not yet in the twentieth
century, not for all its speed mania, has any one come near to equalling the speed ofa prose tale by voltaire. "candide" is a full book. it is filled with mockery, withinventiveness, with things as concrete as things to eat and coins, it has time forthe neatest intellectual clickings, it is never hurried, and it moves with the mostamazing rapidity. it has the rapidity of high spirits playinga game. the dry high spirits of this destroyer ofoptimism make most optimists look damp and depressed.
contemplation of the stupidity which deemshappiness possible almost made voltaire happy.his attack on optimism is one of the gayest books in the world. gaiety has been scattered everywhere up anddown its pages by voltaire's lavish hand, by his thin fingers. many propagandist satirical books have beenwritten with "candide" in mind, but not too many. to-day, especially, when new faiths arechanging the structure of the world, faiths which are still plastic enough to bedeformed by every disciple, each disciple
for himself, and which have not yet received the final deformation known asuniversal acceptance, to-day "candide" is an inspiration to every narrative satiristwho hates one of these new faiths, or hates every interpretation of it but his own. either hatred will serve as a motive tosatire. that is why the present is one of the rightmoments to republish "candide." i hope it will inspire younger men andwomen, the only ones who can be inspired, to have a try at theodore, or militarism;jane, or pacifism; at so-and-so, the pragmatist or the freudian.
and i hope, too, that they will withouttrying hold their pens with an eighteenth century lightness, not inappropriate to aphilosophic tale. in voltaire's fingers, as anatole francehas said, the pen runs and laughs. philip littell. > chapter ihow candide was brought up in a magnificent castle, and how he was expelledthence. in a castle of westphalia, belonging to thebaron of thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with themost gentle manners.
his countenance was a true picture of hissoul. he combined a true judgment with simplicityof spirit, which was the reason, i apprehend, of his being called candide. the old servants of the family suspectedhim to have been the son of the baron's sister, by a good, honest gentleman of theneighborhood, whom that young lady would never marry because he had been able to prove only seventy-one quarterings, therest of his genealogical tree having been lost through the injuries of time. the baron was one of the most powerfullords in westphalia, for his castle had not
only a gate, but windows.his great hall, even, was hung with tapestry. all the dogs of his farm-yards formed apack of hounds at need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the village washis grand almoner. they called him "my lord," and laughed atall his stories. the baron's lady weighed about threehundred and fifty pounds, and was therefore a person of great consideration, and shedid the honours of the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. her daughter cunegonde was seventeen yearsof age, fresh-coloured, comely, plump, and
desirable.the baron's son seemed to be in every respect worthy of his father. the preceptor pangloss was the oracle ofthe family, and little candide heard his lessons with all the good faith of his ageand character. pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. he proved admirably that there is no effectwithout a cause, and that, in this best of all possible worlds, the baron's castle wasthe most magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of all possible baronesses. "it is demonstrable," said he, "that thingscannot be otherwise than as they are; for
all being created for an end, all isnecessarily for the best end. observe, that the nose has been formed tobear spectacles--thus we have spectacles. legs are visibly designed for stockings--and we have stockings. stones were made to be hewn, and toconstruct castles--therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the greatest baronin the province ought to be the best lodged. pigs were made to be eaten--therefore weeat pork all the year round. consequently they who assert that all iswell have said a foolish thing, they should have said all is for the best."
candide listened attentively and believedinnocently; for he thought miss cunegonde extremely beautiful, though he never hadthe courage to tell her so. he concluded that after the happiness ofbeing born of baron of thunder-ten-tronckh, the second degree of happiness was to bemiss cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth that of hearing master pangloss, the greatestphilosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world. one day cunegonde, while walking near thecastle, in a little wood which they called a park, saw between the bushes, dr.pangloss giving a lesson in experimental
natural philosophy to her mother's chamber- maid, a little brown wench, very pretty andvery docile. as miss cunegonde had a great dispositionfor the sciences, she breathlessly observed the repeated experiments of which she was awitness; she clearly perceived the force of the doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes; she turned back greatly flurried,quite pensive, and filled with the desire to be learned; dreaming that she might wellbe a sufficient reason for young candide, and he for her. she met candide on reaching the castle andblushed; candide blushed also; she wished
him good morrow in a faltering tone, andcandide spoke to her without knowing what he said. the next day after dinner, as they wentfrom table, cunegonde and candide found themselves behind a screen; cunegonde letfall her handkerchief, candide picked it up, she took him innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the younglady's hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met,their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. baron thunder-ten-tronckh passed near thescreen and beholding this cause and effect
chased candide from the castle with greatkicks on the backside; cunegonde fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the baroness, as soon as she came to herself;and all was consternation in this most magnificent and most agreeable of allpossible castles. chapter iiwhat became of candide among the bulgarians. candide, driven from terrestrial paradise,walked a long while without knowing where, weeping, raising his eyes to heaven,turning them often towards the most magnificent of castles which imprisoned thepurest of noble young ladies.
he lay down to sleep without supper, in themiddle of a field between two furrows. the snow fell in large flakes. next day candide, all benumbed, draggedhimself towards the neighbouring town which was called waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff,having no money, dying of hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the doorof an inn. two men dressed in blue observed him."comrade," said one, "here is a well-built young fellow, and of proper height." they went up to candide and very civillyinvited him to dinner. "gentlemen," replied candide, with a mostengaging modesty, "you do me great honour,
but i have not wherewithal to pay myshare." "oh, sir," said one of the blues to him,"people of your appearance and of your merit never pay anything: are you not fivefeet five inches high?" "yes, sir, that is my height," answered he,making a low bow. "come, sir, seat yourself; not only will wepay your reckoning, but we will never suffer such a man as you to want money; menare only born to assist one another." "you are right," said candide; "this iswhat i was always taught by mr. pangloss, and i see plainly that all is for thebest." they begged of him to accept a few crowns.
he took them, and wished to give them hisnote; they refused; they seated themselves at table."love you not deeply?" "oh yes," answered he; "i deeply love misscunegonde." "no," said one of the gentlemen, "we askyou if you do not deeply love the king of the bulgarians?" "not at all," said he; "for i have neverseen him." "what! he is the best of kings, and we mustdrink his health." "oh! very willingly, gentlemen," and hedrank. "that is enough," they tell him."now you are the help, the support, the
defender, the hero of the bulgarians. your fortune is made, and your glory isassured." instantly they fettered him, and carriedhim away to the regiment. there he was made to wheel about to theright, and to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire,to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. the next day he did his exercise a littleless badly, and he received but twenty blows. the day following they gave him only ten,and he was regarded by his comrades as a
prodigy.candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a hero. he resolved one fine day in spring to gofor a walk, marching straight before him, believing that it was a privilege of thehuman as well as of the animal species to make use of their legs as they pleased. he had advanced two leagues when he wasovertaken by four others, heroes of six feet, who bound him and carried him to adungeon. he was asked which he would like the best,to be whipped six-and-thirty times through all the regiment, or to receive at oncetwelve balls of lead in his brain.
he vainly said that human will is free, andthat he chose neither the one nor the other. he was forced to make a choice; hedetermined, in virtue of that gift of god called liberty, to run the gauntlet six-and-thirty times. he bore this twice. the regiment was composed of two thousandmen; that composed for him four thousand strokes, which laid bare all his musclesand nerves, from the nape of his neck quite down to his rump. as they were going to proceed to a thirdwhipping, candide, able to bear no more,
begged as a favour that they would be sogood as to shoot him. he obtained this favour; they bandaged hiseyes, and bade him kneel down. the king of the bulgarians passed at thismoment and ascertained the nature of the crime. as he had great talent, he understood fromall that he learnt of candide that he was a young metaphysician, extremely ignorant ofthe things of this world, and he accorded him his pardon with a clemency which will bring him praise in all the journals, andthroughout all ages. an able surgeon cured candide in threeweeks by means of emollients taught by
dioscorides. he had already a little skin, and was ableto march when the king of the bulgarians gave battle to the king of the abares. chapter iiihow candide made his escape from the bulgarians, and what afterwards became ofhim. there was never anything so gallant, sospruce, so brilliant, and so well disposed as the two armies. trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums, andcannon made music such as hell itself had never heard.
the cannons first of all laid flat aboutsix thousand men on each side; the muskets swept away from this best of worlds nine orten thousand ruffians who infested its surface. the bayonet was also a sufficient reasonfor the death of several thousands. the whole might amount to thirty thousandsouls. candide, who trembled like a philosopher,hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery. at length, while the two kings were causingte deum to be sung each in his own camp, candide resolved to go and reason elsewhereon effects and causes.
he passed over heaps of dead and dying, andfirst reached a neighbouring village; it was in cinders, it was an abare villagewhich the bulgarians had burnt according to the laws of war. here, old men covered with wounds, beheldtheir wives, hugging their children to their bloody breasts, massacred beforetheir faces; there, their daughters, disembowelled and breathing their last after having satisfied the natural wants ofbulgarian heroes; while others, half burnt in the flames, begged to be despatched.the earth was strewed with brains, arms, and legs.
candide fled quickly to another village; itbelonged to the bulgarians; and the abarian heroes had treated it in the same way. candide, walking always over palpitatinglimbs or across ruins, arrived at last beyond the seat of war, with a fewprovisions in his knapsack, and miss cunegonde always in his heart. his provisions failed him when he arrivedin holland; but having heard that everybody was rich in that country, and that theywere christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with the same treatment from them as he had met with in the baron'scastle, before miss cunegonde's bright eyes
were the cause of his expulsion thence. he asked alms of several grave-lookingpeople, who all answered him, that if he continued to follow this trade they wouldconfine him to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get a living. the next he addressed was a man who hadbeen haranguing a large assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity.but the orator, looking askew, said: "what are you doing here? are you for the good cause?""there can be no effect without a cause," modestly answered candide; "the whole isnecessarily concatenated and arranged for
the best. it was necessary for me to have beenbanished from the presence of miss cunegonde, to have afterwards run thegauntlet, and now it is necessary i should beg my bread until i learn to earn it; allthis cannot be otherwise." "my friend," said the orator to him, "doyou believe the pope to be anti-christ?" "i have not heard it," answered candide;"but whether he be, or whether he be not, i want bread.""thou dost not deserve to eat," said the "begone, rogue; begone, wretch; do not comenear me again." the orator's wife, putting her head out ofthe window, and spying a man that doubted
whether the pope was anti-christ, pouredover him a full.... oh, heavens! to what excess does religiouszeal carry the ladies. a man who had never been christened, a goodanabaptist, named james, beheld the cruel and ignominious treatment shown to one ofhis brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul, he took him home, cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented himwith two florins, and even wished to teach him the manufacture of persian stuffs whichthey make in holland. candide, almost prostrating himself beforehim, cried: "master pangloss has well said that all isfor the best in this world, for i am
infinitely more touched by your extremegenerosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black coat and his lady." the next day, as he took a walk, he met abeggar all covered with scabs, his eyes diseased, the end of his nose eaten away,his mouth distorted, his teeth black, choking in his throat, tormented with a violent cough, and spitting out a tooth ateach effort. chapter ivhow candide found his old master pangloss, and what happened to them. candide, yet more moved with compassionthan with horror, gave to this shocking
beggar the two florins which he hadreceived from the honest anabaptist james. the spectre looked at him very earnestly,dropped a few tears, and fell upon his neck.candide recoiled in disgust. "alas!" said one wretch to the other, "doyou no longer know your dear pangloss?" "what do i hear?you, my dear master! you in this terrible plight! what misfortune has happened to you?why are you no longer in the most magnificent of castles?what has become of miss cunegonde, the pearl of girls, and nature's masterpiece?"
"i am so weak that i cannot stand," saidpangloss. upon which candide carried him to theanabaptist's stable, and gave him a crust of bread. as soon as pangloss had refreshed himself alittle: "well," said candide, "cunegonde?""she is dead," replied the other. candide fainted at this word; his friendrecalled his senses with a little bad vinegar which he found by chance in thestable. candide reopened his eyes. "cunegonde is dead!ah, best of worlds, where art thou?
but of what illness did she die? was it not for grief, upon seeing herfather kick me out of his magnificent castle?" "no," said pangloss, "she was ripped openby the bulgarian soldiers, after having been violated by many; they broke thebaron's head for attempting to defend her; my lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the samemanner as his sister; and as for the castle, they have not left one stone uponanother, not a barn, nor a sheep, nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have had our
revenge, for the abares have done the verysame thing to a neighbouring barony, which belonged to a bulgarian lord." at this discourse candide fainted again;but coming to himself, and having said all that it became him to say, inquired intothe cause and effect, as well as into the sufficient reason that had reduced panglossto so miserable a plight. "alas!" said the other, "it was love; love,the comfort of the human species, the preserver of the universe, the soul of allsensible beings, love, tender love." "alas!" said candide, "i know this love,that sovereign of hearts, that soul of our souls; yet it never cost me more than akiss and twenty kicks on the backside.
how could this beautiful cause produce inyou an effect so abominable?" pangloss made answer in these terms: "oh,my dear candide, you remember paquette, that pretty wench who waited on our noblebaroness; in her arms i tasted the delights of paradise, which produced in me those hell torments with which you see medevoured; she was infected with them, she is perhaps dead of them. this present paquette received of a learnedgrey friar, who had traced it to its source; he had had it of an old countess,who had received it from a cavalry captain, who owed it to a marchioness, who took it
from a page, who had received it from ajesuit, who when a novice had it in a direct line from one of the companions ofchristopher columbus. for my part i shall give it to nobody, i amdying." "oh, pangloss!" cried candide, "what astrange genealogy! is not the devil the original stock of it?" "not at all," replied this great man, "itwas a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for ifcolumbus had not in an island of america caught this disease, which contaminates the source of life, frequently even hindersgeneration, and which is evidently opposed
to the great end of nature, we should haveneither chocolate nor cochineal. we are also to observe that upon ourcontinent, this distemper is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot. the turks, the indians, the persians, thechinese, the siamese, the japanese, know nothing of it; but there is a sufficientreason for believing that they will know it in their turn in a few centuries. in the meantime, it has made marvellousprogress among us, especially in those great armies composed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who decide the destiny of states; for we may safely affirm
that when an army of thirty thousand menfights another of an equal number, there are about twenty thousand of them p-x-d oneach side." "well, this is wonderful!" said candide,"but you must get cured." "alas! how can i?" said pangloss, "i havenot a farthing, my friend, and all over the globe there is no letting of blood ortaking a glister, without paying, or somebody paying for you." these last words determined candide; hewent and flung himself at the feet of the charitable anabaptist james, and gave himso touching a picture of the state to which his friend was reduced, that the good man
did not scruple to take dr. pangloss intohis house, and had him cured at his expense.in the cure pangloss lost only an eye and an ear. he wrote well, and knew arithmeticperfectly. the anabaptist james made him hisbookkeeper. at the end of two months, being obliged togo to lisbon about some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with him inhis ship. pangloss explained to him how everythingwas so constituted that it could not be better.james was not of this opinion.
"it is more likely," said he, "mankind havea little corrupted nature, for they were not born wolves, and they have becomewolves; god has given them neither cannon of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and yet they have made cannon and bayonetsto destroy one another. into this account i might throw not onlybankrupts, but justice which seizes on the effects of bankrupts to cheat thecreditors." "all this was indispensable," replied theone-eyed doctor, "for private misfortunes make the general good, so that the moreprivate misfortunes there are the greater is the general good."
while he reasoned, the sky darkened, thewinds blew from the four quarters, and the ship was assailed by a most terribletempest within sight of the port of lisbon. chapter vtempest, shipwreck, earthquake, and what became of doctor pangloss, candide, andjames the anabaptist. half dead of that inconceivable anguishwhich the rolling of a ship produces, one- half of the passengers were not evensensible of the danger. the other half shrieked and prayed. the sheets were rent, the masts broken, thevessel gaped. work who would, no one heard, no onecommanded.
the anabaptist being upon deck bore a hand;when a brutish sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but with theviolence of the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon apiece of the broken mast. honest james ran to his assistance, hauledhim up, and from the effort he made was precipitated into the sea in sight of thesailor, who left him to perish, without deigning to look at him. candide drew near and saw his benefactor,who rose above the water one moment and was then swallowed up for ever. he was just going to jump after him, butwas prevented by the philosopher pangloss,
who demonstrated to him that the bay oflisbon had been made on purpose for the anabaptist to be drowned. while he was proving this a priori, theship foundered; all perished except pangloss, candide, and that brutal sailorwho had drowned the good anabaptist. the villain swam safely to the shore, whilepangloss and candide were borne thither upon a plank.as soon as they recovered themselves a little they walked toward lisbon. they had some money left, with which theyhoped to save themselves from starving, after they had escaped drowning.
scarcely had they reached the city,lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they felt the earth tremble undertheir feet. the sea swelled and foamed in the harbour,and beat to pieces the vessels riding at anchor. whirlwinds of fire and ashes covered thestreets and public places; houses fell, roofs were flung upon the pavements, andthe pavements were scattered. thirty thousand inhabitants of all ages andsexes were crushed under the ruins. the sailor, whistling and swearing, saidthere was booty to be gained here. "what can be the sufficient reason of thisphenomenon?" said pangloss.
"this is the last day!" cried candide. the sailor ran among the ruins, facingdeath to find money; finding it, he took it, got drunk, and having slept himselfsober, purchased the favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on the ruins of the destroyed houses, and in the midstof the dying and the dead. pangloss pulled him by the sleeve."my friend," said he, "this is not right. you sin against the universal reason; youchoose your time badly." "s'blood and fury!" answered the other; "iam a sailor and born at batavia. four times have i trampled upon thecrucifix in four voyages to japan; a fig
for thy universal reason."some falling stones had wounded candide. he lay stretched in the street covered withrubbish. "alas!" said he to pangloss, "get me alittle wine and oil; i am dying." "this concussion of the earth is no newthing," answered pangloss. "the city of lima, in america, experiencedthe same convulsions last year; the same cause, the same effects; there is certainlya train of sulphur under ground from lima to lisbon." "nothing more probable," said candide; "butfor the love of god a little oil and wine." "how, probable?" replied the philosopher."i maintain that the point is capable of
being demonstrated." candide fainted away, and pangloss fetchedhim some water from a neighbouring fountain. the following day they rummaged among theruins and found provisions, with which they repaired their exhausted strength. after this they joined with others inrelieving those inhabitants who had escaped death. some, whom they had succoured, gave them asgood a dinner as they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repastwas mournful, and the company moistened
their bread with tears; but pangloss consoled them, assuring them that thingscould not be otherwise. "for," said he, "all that is is for thebest. if there is a volcano at lisbon it cannotbe elsewhere. it is impossible that things should beother than they are; for everything is right." a little man dressed in black, familiar ofthe inquisition, who sat by him, politely took up his word and said: "apparently, then, sir, you do not believein original sin; for if all is for the best
there has then been neither fall norpunishment." "i humbly ask your excellency's pardon,"answered pangloss, still more politely; "for the fall and curse of man necessarilyentered into the system of the best of worlds." "sir," said the familiar, "you do not thenbelieve in liberty?" "your excellency will excuse me," saidpangloss; "liberty is consistent with absolute necessity, for it was necessary weshould be free; for, in short, the determinate will----" pangloss was in the middle of his sentence,when the familiar beckoned to his footman,
who gave him a glass of wine from porto oropporto. chapter vi how the portuguese made abeautiful auto-da-fe, to prevent any further earthquakes; and how candide waspublicly whipped. after the earthquake had destroyed three-fourths of lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means moreeffectual to prevent utter ruin than to give the people a beautiful auto-da-fe; for it had been decided by the university ofcoimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and with greatceremony, is an infallible secret to hinder the earth from quaking.
in consequence hereof, they had seized on abiscayner, convicted of having married his godmother, and on two portuguese, forrejecting the bacon which larded a chicken they were eating; after dinner, they came and secured dr. pangloss, and his disciplecandide, the one for speaking his mind, the other for having listened with an air ofapprobation. they were conducted to separate apartments,extremely cold, as they were never incommoded by the sun. eight days after they were dressed in san-benitos and their heads ornamented with paper mitres.
the mitre and san-benito belonging tocandide were painted with reversed flames and with devils that had neither tails norclaws; but pangloss's devils had claws and tails and the flames were upright. they marched in procession thus habited andheard a very pathetic sermon, followed by fine church music. candide was whipped in cadence while theywere singing; the biscayner, and the two men who had refused to eat bacon, wereburnt; and pangloss was hanged, though that was not the custom. the same day the earth sustained a mostviolent concussion.
candide, terrified, amazed, desperate, allbloody, all palpitating, said to himself: "if this is the best of possible worlds,what then are the others? well, if i had been only whipped i couldput up with it, for i experienced that among the bulgarians; but oh, my dearpangloss! thou greatest of philosophers, that i should have seen you hanged, withoutknowing for what! oh, my dear anabaptist, thou best of men,that thou should'st have been drowned in the very harbour! oh, miss cunegonde, thou pearl of girls!that thou should'st have had thy belly ripped open!"
thus he was musing, scarce able to stand,preached at, whipped, absolved, and blessed, when an old woman accosted himsaying: "my son, take courage and follow me." chapter viihow the old woman took care of candide, and how he found the object he loved. candide did not take courage, but followedthe old woman to a decayed house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint hissores, showed him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up, and lefthim something to eat and drink. "eat, drink, sleep," said she, "and may ourlady of atocha, the great st. anthony of
padua, and the great st. james ofcompostella, receive you under their protection. i shall be back to-morrow."candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more with the charity of the oldwoman, wished to kiss her hand. "it is not my hand you must kiss," said theold woman; "i shall be back to-morrow. anoint yourself with the pomatum, eat andsleep." candide, notwithstanding so many disasters,ate and slept. the next morning the old woman brought himhis breakfast, looked at his back, and rubbed it herself with another ointment: inlike manner she brought him his dinner; and
at night she returned with his supper. the day following she went through the verysame ceremonies. "who are you?" said candide; "who hasinspired you with so much goodness? what return can i make you?" the good woman made no answer; she returnedin the evening, but brought no supper. "come with me," she said, "and saynothing." she took him by the arm, and walked withhim about a quarter of a mile into the country; they arrived at a lonely house,surrounded with gardens and canals. the old woman knocked at a little door, itopened, she led candide up a private
staircase into a small apartment richlyfurnished. she left him on a brocaded sofa, shut thedoor and went away. candide thought himself in a dream; indeed,that he had been dreaming unluckily all his life, and that the present moment was theonly agreeable part of it all. the old woman returned very soon,supporting with difficulty a trembling woman of a majestic figure, brilliant withjewels, and covered with a veil. "take off that veil," said the old woman tocandide. the young man approaches, he raises theveil with a timid hand. oh! what a moment! what surprise! hebelieves he beholds miss cunegonde? he
really sees her! it is herself!his strength fails him, he cannot utter a word, but drops at her feet. cunegonde falls upon the sofa.the old woman supplies a smelling bottle; they come to themselves and recover theirspeech. as they began with broken accents, withquestions and answers interchangeably interrupted with sighs, with tears, andcries. the old woman desired they would make lessnoise and then she left them to themselves. "what, is it you?" said candide, "you live? i find you again in portugal? then you havenot been ravished? then they did not rip
open your belly as doctor pangloss informedme?" "yes, they did," said the beautifulcunegonde; "but those two accidents are not always mortal.""but were your father and mother killed?" "it is but too true," answered cunegonde,in tears. "and your brother?""my brother also was killed." "and why are you in portugal? and how didyou know of my being here? and by what strange adventure did you contrive to bringme to this house?" "i will tell you all that," replied thelady, "but first of all let me know your history, since the innocent kiss you gaveme and the kicks which you received."
candide respectfully obeyed her, and thoughhe was still in a surprise, though his voice was feeble and trembling, though hisback still pained him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had befallen him since the moment of theirseparation. cunegonde lifted up her eyes to heaven;shed tears upon hearing of the death of the good anabaptist and of pangloss; afterwhich she spoke as follows to candide, who did not lose a word and devoured her withhis eyes. chapter viiithe history of cunegonde. "i was in bed and fast asleep when itpleased god to send the bulgarians to our
delightful castle of thunder-ten-tronckh;they slew my father and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. a tall bulgarian, six feet high, perceivingthat i had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me; this made me recover;i regained my senses, i cried, i struggled, i bit, i scratched, i wanted to tear out the tall bulgarian's eyes--not knowing thatwhat happened at my father's house was the usual practice of war. the brute gave me a cut in the left sidewith his hanger, and the mark is still upon me.""ah! i hope i shall see it," said honest
candide. "you shall," said cunegonde, "but let uscontinue." "do so," replied candide.thus she resumed the thread of her story: "a bulgarian captain came in, saw me allbleeding, and the soldier not in the least disconcerted. the captain flew into a passion at thedisrespectful behaviour of the brute, and slew him on my body. he ordered my wounds to be dressed, andtook me to his quarters as a prisoner of war.
i washed the few shirts that he had, i didhis cooking; he thought me very pretty--he avowed it; on the other hand, i must own hehad a good shape, and a soft and white skin; but he had little or no mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly thathe had never been instructed by doctor pangloss. in three months time, having lost all hismoney, and being grown tired of my company, he sold me to a jew, named don issachar,who traded to holland and portugal, and had a strong passion for women. this jew was much attached to my person,but could not triumph over it; i resisted
him better than the bulgarian soldier.a modest woman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it. in order to render me more tractable, hebrought me to this country house. hitherto i had imagined that nothing couldequal the beauty of thunder-ten-tronckh castle; but i found i was mistaken. "the grand inquisitor, seeing me one day atmass, stared long at me, and sent to tell me that he wished to speak on privatematters. i was conducted to his palace, where iacquainted him with the history of my family, and he represented to me how muchit was beneath my rank to belong to an
israelite. a proposal was then made to don issacharthat he should resign me to my lord. don issachar, being the court banker, and aman of credit, would hear nothing of it. the inquisitor threatened him with an auto-da-fe. at last my jew, intimidated, concluded abargain, by which the house and myself should belong to both in common; the jewshould have for himself monday, wednesday, and saturday, and the inquisitor shouldhave the rest of the week. it is now six months since this agreementwas made. quarrels have not been wanting, for theycould not decide whether the night from
saturday to sunday belonged to the old lawor to the new. for my part, i have so far held out againstboth, and i verily believe that this is the reason why i am still beloved. "at length, to avert the scourge ofearthquakes, and to intimidate don issachar, my lord inquisitor was pleased tocelebrate an auto-da-fe. he did me the honour to invite me to theceremony. i had a very good seat, and the ladies wereserved with refreshments between mass and the execution. i was in truth seized with horror at theburning of those two jews, and of the
honest biscayner who had married hisgodmother; but what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble, when i saw in a san- benito and mitre a figure which resembledthat of pangloss! i rubbed my eyes, i looked at himattentively, i saw him hung; i fainted. scarcely had i recovered my senses than isaw you stripped, stark naked, and this was the height of my horror, consternation,grief, and despair. i tell you, truthfully, that your skin isyet whiter and of a more perfect colour than that of my bulgarian captain.this spectacle redoubled all the feelings which overwhelmed and devoured me.
i screamed out, and would have said, 'stop,barbarians!' but my voice failed me, and my cries would have been useless after you hadbeen severely whipped. how is it possible, said i, that thebeloved candide and the wise pangloss should both be at lisbon, the one toreceive a hundred lashes, and the other to be hanged by the grand inquisitor, of whomi am the well-beloved? pangloss most cruelly deceived me when hesaid that everything in the world is for "agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself,and sometimes ready to die of weakness, my mind was filled with the massacre of myfather, mother, and brother, with the insolence of the ugly bulgarian soldier,
with the stab that he gave me, with myservitude under the bulgarian captain, with my hideous don issachar, with my abominableinquisitor, with the execution of doctor pangloss, with the grand miserere to which they whipped you, and especially with thekiss i gave you behind the screen the day that i had last seen you. i praised god for bringing you back to meafter so many trials, and i charged my old woman to take care of you, and to conductyou hither as soon as possible. she has executed her commission perfectlywell; i have tasted the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you again, of hearingyou, of speaking with you.
but you must be hungry, for myself, i amfamished; let us have supper." they both sat down to table, and, whensupper was over, they placed themselves once more on the sofa; where they were whensignor don issachar arrived. it was the jewish sabbath, and issachar hadcome to enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love. chapter ixwhat became of cunegonde, candide, the grand inquisitor, and the jew. this issachar was the most choleric hebrewthat had ever been seen in israel since the captivity in babylon."what!" said he, "thou bitch of a galilean,
was not the inquisitor enough for thee? must this rascal also share with me?" in saying this he drew a long poniard whichhe always carried about him; and not imagining that his adversary had any armshe threw himself upon candide: but our honest westphalian had received a handsome sword from the old woman along with thesuit of clothes. he drew his rapier, despite his gentleness,and laid the israelite stone dead upon the cushions at cunegonde's feet. "holy virgin!" cried she, "what will becomeof us?
a man killed in my apartment!if the officers of justice come, we are lost!" "had not pangloss been hanged," saidcandide, "he would give us good counsel in this emergency, for he was a profoundphilosopher. failing him let us consult the old woman." she was very prudent and commenced to giveher opinion when suddenly another little door opened.it was an hour after midnight, it was the beginning of sunday. this day belonged to my lord theinquisitor.
he entered, and saw the whipped candide,sword in hand, a dead man upon the floor, cunegonde aghast, and the old woman givingcounsel. at this moment, the following is whatpassed in the soul of candide, and how he reasoned: if this holy man call in assistance, hewill surely have me burnt; and cunegonde will perhaps be served in the same manner;he was the cause of my being cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and, as i have now begun to kill, i will kill away, for thereis no time to hesitate. this reasoning was clear and instantaneous;so that without giving time to the
inquisitor to recover from his surprise, hepierced him through and through, and cast him beside the jew. "yet again!" said cunegonde, "now there isno mercy for us, we are excommunicated, our last hour has come. how could you do it? you, naturally sogentle, to slay a jew and a prelate in two minutes!" "my beautiful young lady," respondedcandide, "when one is a lover, jealous and whipped by the inquisition, one stops atnothing." the old woman then put in her word, saying:
"there are three andalusian horses in thestable with bridles and saddles, let the brave candide get them ready; madame hasmoney, jewels; let us therefore mount quickly on horseback, though i can sit only on one buttock; let us set out for cadiz,it is the finest weather in the world, and there is great pleasure in travelling inthe cool of the night." immediately candide saddled the threehorses, and cunegonde, the old woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. while they were journeying, the holybrotherhood entered the house; my lord the inquisitor was interred in a handsomechurch, and issachar's body was thrown upon
a dunghill. candide, cunegonde, and the old woman, hadnow reached the little town of avacena in the midst of the mountains of the sierramorena, and were speaking as follows in a public inn. chapter xin what distress candide, cunegonde, and the old woman arrived at cadiz; and oftheir embarkation. "who was it that robbed me of my money andjewels?" said cunegonde, all bathed in tears."how shall we live? what shall we do?
where find inquisitors or jews who willgive me more?" "alas!" said the old woman, "i have ashrewd suspicion of a reverend grey friar, who stayed last night in the same inn withus at badajos. god preserve me from judging rashly, but hecame into our room twice, and he set out upon his journey long before us." "alas!" said candide, "dear pangloss hasoften demonstrated to me that the goods of this world are common to all men, and thateach has an equal right to them. but according to these principles the greyfriar ought to have left us enough to carry us through our journey.have you nothing at all left, my dear
cunegonde?" "not a farthing," said she."what then must we do?" said candide. "sell one of the horses," replied the oldwoman. "i will ride behind miss cunegonde, thoughi can hold myself only on one buttock, and we shall reach cadiz." in the same inn there was a benedictineprior who bought the horse for a cheap price. candide, cunegonde, and the old woman,having passed through lucena, chillas, and lebrixa, arrived at length at cadiz.
a fleet was there getting ready, and troopsassembling to bring to reason the reverend jesuit fathers of paraguay, accused ofhaving made one of the native tribes in the neighborhood of san sacrament revoltagainst the kings of spain and portugal. candide having been in the bulgarianservice, performed the military exercise before the general of this little army withso graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and expedition, that he was given the command of a companyof foot. now, he was a captain! he set sail with miss cunegonde, the oldwoman, two valets, and the two andalusian
horses, which had belonged to the grandinquisitor of portugal. during their voyage they reasoned a gooddeal on the philosophy of poor pangloss. "we are going into another world," saidcandide; "and surely it must be there that all is for the best. for i must confess there is reason tocomplain a little of what passeth in our world in regard to both natural and moralphilosophy." "i love you with all my heart," saidcunegonde; "but my soul is still full of fright at that which i have seen andexperienced." "all will be well," replied candide; "thesea of this new world is already better
than our european sea; it is calmer, thewinds more regular. it is certainly the new world which is thebest of all possible worlds." "god grant it," said cunegonde; "but i havebeen so horribly unhappy there that my heart is almost closed to hope." "you complain," said the old woman; "alas!you have not known such misfortunes as mine." cunegonde almost broke out laughing,finding the good woman very amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate asshe. "alas!" said cunegonde, "my good mother,unless you have been ravished by two
bulgarians, have received two deep woundsin your belly, have had two castles demolished, have had two mothers cut to pieces before your eyes, and two of yourlovers whipped at an auto-da-fe, i do not conceive how you could be more unfortunatethan i. add that i was born a baroness of seventy-two quarterings--and have been a cook!" "miss," replied the old woman, "you do notknow my birth; and were i to show you my backside, you would not talk in thatmanner, but would suspend your judgment." this speech having raised extreme curiosityin the minds of cunegonde and candide, the old woman spoke to them as follows.
chapter xihistory of the old woman. "i had not always bleared eyes and redeyelids; neither did my nose always touch my chin; nor was i always a servant.i am the daughter of pope urban x, and of the princess of palestrina. until the age of fourteen i was brought upin a palace, to which all the castles of your german barons would scarcely haveserved for stables; and one of my robes was worth more than all the magnificence ofwestphalia. as i grew up i improved in beauty, wit, andevery graceful accomplishment, in the midst of pleasures, hopes, and respectful homage.
already i inspired love. my throat was formed, and such a throat!white, firm, and shaped like that of the venus of medici; and what eyes! whateyelids! what black eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they eclipsed the scintillation of the stars--asi was told by the poets in our part of the world. my waiting women, when dressing andundressing me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me before orbehind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office for them!
"i was affianced to the most excellentprince of massa carara. such a prince! as handsome as myself,sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly witty, and sparkling with love. i loved him as one loves for the firsttime--with idolatry, with transport. the nuptials were prepared. there was surprising pomp and magnificence;there were fetes, carousals, continual opera bouffe; and all italy composedsonnets in my praise, though not one of them was passable. i was just upon the point of reaching thesummit of bliss, when an old marchioness
who had been mistress to the prince, myhusband, invited him to drink chocolate with her. he died in less than two hours of mostterrible convulsions. but this is only a bagatelle. my mother, in despair, and scarcely lessafflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time from so fatal aplace. she had a very fine estate in theneighbourhood of gaeta. we embarked on board a galley of thecountry which was gilded like the great altar of st. peter's at rome.
a sallee corsair swooped down and boardedus. our men defended themselves like the pope'ssoldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their arms, beggingof the corsair an absolution in articulo mortis. "instantly they were stripped as bare asmonkeys; my mother, our maids of honour, and myself were all served in the samemanner. it is amazing with what expedition thosegentry undress people. but what surprised me most was, that theythrust their fingers into the part of our bodies which the generality of women sufferno other instrument but--pipes to enter.
it appeared to me a very strange kind ofceremony; but thus one judges of things when one has not seen the world.i afterwards learnt that it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds. this is the practice established from timeimmemorial, among civilised nations that scour the seas. i was informed that the very religiousknights of malta never fail to make this search when they take any turkish prisonersof either sex. it is a law of nations from which theynever deviate. "i need not tell you how great a hardshipit was for a young princess and her mother
to be made slaves and carried to morocco. you may easily imagine all we had to sufferon board the pirate vessel. my mother was still very handsome; ourmaids of honour, and even our waiting women, had more charms than are to be foundin all africa. as for myself, i was ravishing, wasexquisite, grace itself, and i was a virgin! i did not remain so long; this flower,which had been reserved for the handsome prince of massa carara, was plucked by thecorsair captain. he was an abominable negro, and yetbelieved that he did me a great deal of
honour. certainly the princess of palestrina andmyself must have been very strong to go through all that we experienced until ourarrival at morocco. but let us pass on; these are such commonthings as not to be worth mentioning. "morocco swam in blood when we arrived. fifty sons of the emperor muley-ismael hadeach their adherents; this produced fifty civil wars, of blacks against blacks, andblacks against tawnies, and tawnies against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. in short it was a continual carnagethroughout the empire.
"no sooner were we landed, than the blacksof a contrary faction to that of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. next to jewels and gold we were the mostvaluable things he had. i was witness to such a battle as you havenever seen in your european climates. the northern nations have not that heat intheir blood, nor that raging lust for women, so common in africa. it seems that you europeans have only milkin your veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the inhabitantsof mount atlas and the neighbouring countries.
they fought with the fury of the lions,tigers, and serpents of the country, to see who should have us. a moor seized my mother by the right arm,while my captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a moorish soldier had hold of herby one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. thus almost all our women were drawn inquarters by four men. my captain concealed me behind him; andwith his drawn scimitar cut and slashed every one that opposed his fury. at length i saw all our italian women, andmy mother herself, torn, mangled,
massacred, by the monsters who disputedover them. the slaves, my companions, those who hadtaken them, soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain,all were killed, and i remained dying on a heap of dead. such scenes as this were transacted throughan extent of three hundred leagues--and yet they never missed the five prayers a dayordained by mahomet. "with difficulty i disengaged myself fromsuch a heap of slaughtered bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bankof a neighbouring rivulet, where i fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror,despair, and hunger.
immediately after, my senses, overpowered,gave themselves up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. i was in this state of weakness andinsensibility, between life and death, when i felt myself pressed by something thatmoved upon my body. i opened my eyes, and saw a white man, ofgood countenance, who sighed, and who said between his teeth: 'o che sciagura d'esseresenza coglioni!'" chapter xiithe adventures of the old woman cont. "astonished and delighted to hear my nativelanguage, and no less surprised at what this man said, i made answer that therewere much greater misfortunes than that of
which he complained. i told him in a few words of the horrorswhich i had endured, and fainted a second time. he carried me to a neighbouring house, putme to bed, gave me food, waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he told me thathe had never seen any one so beautiful as i, and that he never so much regretted theloss of what it was impossible to recover. "'i was born at naples,' said he, 'therethey geld two or three thousand children every year; some die of the operation,others acquire a voice more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised tooffices of state.
this operation was performed on me withgreat success and i was chapel musician to madam, the princess of palestrina.' "'to my mother!' cried i."'your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'what! can you be that young princess whomi brought up until the age of six years, and who promised so early to be asbeautiful as you?' "'it is i, indeed; but my mother lies fourhundred yards hence, torn in quarters, under a heap of dead bodies.' "i told him all my adventures, and he mademe acquainted with his; telling me that he had been sent to the emperor of morocco bya christian power, to conclude a treaty
with that prince, in consequence of which he was to be furnished with military storesand ships to help to demolish the commerce of other christian governments. "'my mission is done,' said this honesteunuch; 'i go to embark for ceuta, and will take you to italy.ma che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!' "i thanked him with tears of commiseration;and instead of taking me to italy he conducted me to algiers, where he sold meto the dey. scarcely was i sold, than the plague whichhad made the tour of africa, asia, and europe, broke out with great malignancy inalgiers.
you have seen earthquakes; but pray, miss,have you ever had the plague?" "never," answered cunegonde. "if you had," said the old woman, "youwould acknowledge that it is far more terrible than an earthquake.it is common in africa, and i caught it. imagine to yourself the distressedsituation of the daughter of a pope, only fifteen years old, who, in less than threemonths, had felt the miseries of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day, had beheld her mother drawn inquarters, had experienced famine and war, and was dying of the plague in algiers.
i did not die, however, but my eunuch, andthe dey, and almost the whole seraglio of algiers perished. "as soon as the first fury of this terriblepestilence was over, a sale was made of the dey's slaves; i was purchased by amerchant, and carried to tunis; this man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again to another at tripoli; from tripoli iwas sold to alexandria, from alexandria to smyrna, and from smyrna to constantinople. at length i became the property of an agaof the janissaries, who was soon ordered away to the defence of azof, then besiegedby the russians.
"the aga, who was a very gallant man, tookhis whole seraglio with him, and lodged us in a small fort on the palus meotides,guarded by two black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. the turks killed prodigious numbers of therussians, but the latter had their revenge. azof was destroyed by fire, the inhabitantsput to the sword, neither sex nor age was spared; until there remained only ourlittle fort, and the enemy wanted to starve us out. the twenty janissaries had sworn they wouldnever surrender. the extremities of famine to which theywere reduced, obliged them to eat our two
eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. and at the end of a few days they resolvedalso to devour the women. "we had a very pious and humane iman, whopreached an excellent sermon, exhorting them not to kill us all at once. "'only cut off a buttock of each of thoseladies,' said he, 'and you'll fare extremely well; if you must go to it again,there will be the same entertainment a few days hence; heaven will accept of socharitable an action, and send you relief.' "he had great eloquence; he persuaded them;we underwent this terrible operation. the iman applied the same balsam to us, ashe does to children after circumcision; and
we all nearly died. "scarcely had the janissaries finished therepast with which we had furnished them, than the russians came in flat-bottomedboats; not a janissary escaped. the russians paid no attention to thecondition we were in. there are french surgeons in all parts ofthe world; one of them who was very clever took us under his care--he cured us; and aslong as i live i shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed he madeproposals to me. he bid us all be of good cheer, telling usthat the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the laws ofwar.
"as soon as my companions could walk, theywere obliged to set out for moscow. i fell to the share of a boyard who made mehis gardener, and gave me twenty lashes a day. but this nobleman having in two years' timebeen broke upon the wheel along with thirty more boyards for some broils at court, iprofited by that event; i fled. i traversed all russia; i was a long timean inn-holder's servant at riga, the same at rostock, at vismar, at leipzig, atcassel, at utrecht, at leyden, at the hague, at rotterdam. i waxed old in misery and disgrace, havingonly one-half of my posteriors, and always
remembering i was a pope's daughter.a hundred times i was upon the point of killing myself; but still i loved life. this ridiculous foible is perhaps one ofour most fatal characteristics; for is there anything more absurd than to wish tocarry continually a burden which one can always throw down? to detest existence and yet to cling to one's existence? in brief,to caress the serpent which devours us, till he has eaten our very heart? "in the different countries which it hasbeen my lot to traverse, and the numerous inns where i have been servant, i havetaken notice of a vast number of people who
held their own existence in abhorrence, and yet i never knew of more than eight whovoluntarily put an end to their misery; three negroes, four englishmen, and agerman professor named robek. i ended by being servant to the jew, donissachar, who placed me near your presence, my fair lady. i am determined to share your fate, andhave been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own. i would never even have spoken to you of mymisfortunes, had you not piqued me a little, and if it were not customary totell stories on board a ship in order to
pass away the time. in short, miss cunegonde, i have hadexperience, i know the world; therefore i advise you to divert yourself, and prevailupon each passenger to tell his story; and if there be one of them all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that has notfrequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, i give you leave tothrow me headforemost into the sea." chapter xiiihow candide was forced away from his fair cunegonde and the old woman. the beautiful cunegonde having heard theold woman's history, paid her all the
civilities due to a person of her rank andmerit. she likewise accepted her proposal, andengaged all the passengers, one after the other, to relate their adventures; and thenboth she and candide allowed that the old woman was in the right. "it is a great pity," said candide, "thatthe sage pangloss was hanged contrary to custom at an auto-da-fe; he would tell usmost amazing things in regard to the physical and moral evils that overspread earth and sea, and i should be able, withdue respect, to make a few objections." while each passenger was recounting hisstory, the ship made her way.
they landed at buenos ayres. cunegonde, captain candide, and the oldwoman, waited on the governor, don fernando d'ibaraa, y figueora, y mascarenes, ylampourdos, y souza. this nobleman had a stateliness becoming aperson who bore so many names. he spoke to men with so noble a disdain,carried his nose so loftily, raised his voice so unmercifully, assumed so imperiousan air, and stalked with such intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to give him a gooddrubbing. cunegonde appeared to him the mostbeautiful he had ever met.
the first thing he did was to ask whethershe was not the captain's wife. the manner in which he asked the questionalarmed candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she was not;neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and although this obliging lie had been formerly much infavour among the ancients, and although it could be useful to the moderns, his soulwas too pure to betray the truth. "miss cunegonde," said he, "is to do me thehonour to marry me, and we beseech your excellency to deign to sanction ourmarriage." don fernando d'ibaraa, y figueora, ymascarenes, y lampourdos, y souza, turning
up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, andordered captain candide to go and review his company. candide obeyed, and the governor remainedalone with miss cunegonde. he declared his passion, protesting hewould marry her the next day in the face of the church, or otherwise, just as should beagreeable to herself. cunegonde asked a quarter of an hour toconsider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her resolution.the old woman spoke thus to cunegonde: "miss, you have seventy-two quarterings,and not a farthing; it is now in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in southamerica, who has very beautiful
moustachios. is it for you to pique yourself uponinviolable fidelity? you have been ravished by bulgarians; a jewand an inquisitor have enjoyed your favours. misfortune gives sufficient excuse.i own, that if i were in your place, i should have no scruple in marrying thegovernor and in making the fortune of captain candide." while the old woman spoke with all theprudence which age and experience gave, a small ship entered the port on board ofwhich were an alcalde and his alguazils,
and this was what had happened. as the old woman had shrewdly guessed, itwas a grey friar who stole cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of badajos,when she and candide were escaping. the friar wanted to sell some of thediamonds to a jeweller; the jeweller knew them to be the grand inquisitor's.the friar before he was hanged confessed he had stolen them. he described the persons, and the routethey had taken. the flight of cunegonde and candide wasalready known. they were traced to cadiz.
a vessel was immediately sent in pursuit ofthem. the vessel was already in the port ofbuenos ayres. the report spread that the alcalde wasgoing to land, and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the grandinquisitor. the prudent old woman saw at once what wasto be done. "you cannot run away," said she tocunegonde, "and you have nothing to fear, for it was not you that killed my lord;besides the governor who loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated; thereforestay." she then ran immediately to candide."fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be
burnt." there was not a moment to lose; but howcould he part from cunegonde, and where could he flee for shelter? chapter xivhow candide and cacambo were received by the jesuits of paraguay. candide had brought such a valet with himfrom cadiz, as one often meets with on the coasts of spain and in the americancolonies. he was a quarter spaniard, born of amongrel in tucuman; he had been singing- boy, sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar,soldier, and lackey.
his name was cacambo, and he loved hismaster, because his master was a very good man.he quickly saddled the two andalusian horses. "come, master, let us follow the oldwoman's advice; let us start, and run without looking behind us."candide shed tears. "oh! my dear cunegonde! must i leave youjust at a time when the governor was going to sanction our nuptials?cunegonde, brought to such a distance what will become of you?" "she will do as well as she can," saidcacambo; "the women are never at a loss,
god provides for them, let us run.""whither art thou carrying me? where shall we go? what shall we do without cunegonde?" saidcandide. "by st. james of compostella," saidcacambo, "you were going to fight against the jesuits; let us go to fight for them;i know the road well, i'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a captain that understands thebulgarian exercise. you'll make a prodigious fortune; if wecannot find our account in one world we shall in another.
it is a great pleasure to see and do newthings." "you have before been in paraguay, then?"said candide. "ay, sure," answered cacambo, "i wasservant in the college of the assumption, and am acquainted with the government ofthe good fathers as well as i am with the streets of cadiz. it is an admirable government. the kingdom is upwards of three hundredleagues in diameter, and divided into thirty provinces; there the fathers possessall, and the people nothing; it is a masterpiece of reason and justice.
for my part i see nothing so divine as thefathers who here make war upon the kings of spain and portugal, and in europe confessthose kings; who here kill spaniards, and in madrid send them to heaven; thisdelights me, let us push forward. you are going to be the happiest ofmortals. what pleasure will it be to those fathersto hear that a captain who knows the bulgarian exercise has come to them!" as soon as they reached the first barrier,cacambo told the advanced guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord thecommandant. notice was given to the main guard, andimmediately a paraguayan officer ran and
laid himself at the feet of the commandant,to impart this news to him. candide and cacambo were disarmed, andtheir two andalusian horses seized. the strangers were introduced between twofiles of musketeers; the commandant was at the further end, with the three-corneredcap on his head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon in hishand. he beckoned, and straightway the new-comerswere encompassed by four-and-twenty a sergeant told them they must wait, thatthe commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend father provincial doesnot suffer any spaniard to open his mouth but in his presence, or to stay above threehours in the province.
"and where is the reverend fatherprovincial?" said cacambo. "he is upon the parade just aftercelebrating mass," answered the sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till threehours hence." "however," said cacambo, "the captain isnot a spaniard, but a german, he is ready to perish with hunger as well as myself;cannot we have something for breakfast, while we wait for his reverence?" the sergeant went immediately to acquaintthe commandant with what he had heard. "god be praised!" said the reverendcommandant, "since he is a german, i may speak to him; take him to my arbour."
candide was at once conducted to abeautiful summer-house, ornamented with a very pretty colonnade of green and goldmarble, and with trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds, fly-birds,guinea-hens, and all other rare birds. an excellent breakfast was provided invessels of gold; and while the paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden dishes, inthe open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the reverend father commandantretired to his arbour. he was a very handsome young man, with afull face, white skin but high in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, redears, vermilion lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to aspaniard nor a jesuit.
they returned their arms to candide andcacambo, and also the two andalusian horses; to whom cacambo gave some oats toeat just by the arbour, having an eye upon them all the while for fear of a surprise. candide first kissed the hem of thecommandant's robe, then they sat down to table."you are, then, a german?" said the jesuit to him in that language. "yes, reverend father," answered candide.as they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great amazement, andwith such an emotion as they could not conceal.
"and from what part of germany do youcome?" said the jesuit. "i am from the dirty province ofwestphalia," answered candide; "i was born in the castle of thunder-ten-tronckh." "oh! heavens! is it possible?" cried thecommandant. "what a miracle!" cried candide."is it really you?" said the commandant. "it is not possible!" said candide. they drew back; they embraced; they shedrivulets of tears. "what, is it you, reverend father?you, the brother of the fair cunegonde! you, that was slain by the bulgarians!
you, the baron's son!you, a jesuit in paraguay! i must confess this is a strange world thatwe live in. oh, pangloss! pangloss! how glad you would be if you hadnot been hanged!" the commandant sent away the negro slavesand the paraguayans, who served them with liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. he thanked god and st. ignatius a thousandtimes; he clasped candide in his arms; and their faces were all bathed with tears. "you will be more surprised, more affected,and transported," said candide, "when i
tell you that cunegonde, your sister, whomyou believe to have been ripped open, is in perfect health." "where?""in your neighbourhood, with the governor of buenos ayres; and i was going to fightagainst you." every word which they uttered in this longconversation but added wonder to wonder. their souls fluttered on their tongues,listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. as they were germans, they sat a good whileat table, waiting for the reverend father provincial, and the commandant spoke to hisdear candide as follows.
chapter xvhow candide killed the brother of his dear cunegonde. "i shall have ever present to my memory thedreadful day, on which i saw my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. when the bulgarians retired, my dear sistercould not be found; but my mother, my father, and myself, with two maid-servantsand three little boys all of whom had been slain, were put in a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a chapel belonging to thejesuits, within two leagues of our family seat.
a jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water;it was horribly salt; a few drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceivedthat my eyelids stirred a little; he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. i received assistance, and at the end ofthree weeks i recovered. you know, my dear candide, i was verypretty; but i grew much prettier, and the reverend father didrie, superior of thathouse, conceived the tenderest friendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order,some years after i was sent to rome. the father-general needed new levies ofyoung german-jesuits. the sovereigns of paraguay admit as fewspanish jesuits as possible; they prefer
those of other nations as being moresubordinate to their commands. i was judged fit by the reverend father-general to go and work in this vineyard. we set out--a pole, a tyrolese, and myself.upon my arrival i was honoured with a sub- deaconship and a lieutenancy. i am to-day colonel and priest.we shall give a warm reception to the king of spain's troops; i will answer for itthat they shall be excommunicated and well beaten. providence sends you here to assist us.but is it, indeed, true that my dear sister cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with thegovernor of buenos ayres?"
candide assured him on oath that nothingwas more true, and their tears began afresh. the baron could not refrain from embracingcandide; he called him his brother, his saviour. "ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together,my dear candide, enter the town as conquerors, and recover my sistercunegonde." "that is all i want," said candide, "for iintended to marry her, and i still hope to do so." "you insolent!" replied the baron, "wouldyou have the impudence to marry my sister
who has seventy-two quarterings! i find thou hast the most consummateeffrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous a design!"candide, petrified at this speech, made answer: "reverend father, all the quarterings inthe world signify nothing; i rescued your sister from the arms of a jew and of aninquisitor; she has great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; master pangloss always told me that all men are equal, andcertainly i will marry her." "we shall see that, thou scoundrel!" saidthe jesuit baron de thunder-ten-tronckh,
and that instant struck him across the facewith the flat of his sword. candide in an instant drew his rapier, andplunged it up to the hilt in the jesuit's belly; but in pulling it out reeking hot,he burst into tears. "good god!" said he, "i have killed my oldmaster, my friend, my brother-in-law! i am the best-natured creature in theworld, and yet i have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests." cacambo, who stood sentry by the door ofthe arbour, ran to him. "we have nothing more for it than to sellour lives as dearly as we can," said his master to him, "without doubt some one willsoon enter the arbour, and we must die
sword in hand." cacambo, who had been in a great manyscrapes in his lifetime, did not lose his head; he took the baron's jesuit habit, putit on candide, gave him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. all this was done in the twinkling of aneye. "let us gallop fast, master, everybody willtake you for a jesuit, going to give directions to your men, and we shall havepassed the frontiers before they will be able to overtake us." he flew as he spoke these words, crying outaloud in spanish:
"make way, make way, for the reverendfather colonel." chapter xvi adventures of the twotravellers, with two girls, two monkeys, and the savages called oreillons. candide and his valet had got beyond thebarrier, before it was known in the camp that the german jesuit was dead. the wary cacambo had taken care to fill hiswallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few bottles of wine. with their andalusian horses theypenetrated into an unknown country, where they perceived no beaten track.at length they came to a beautiful meadow
intersected with purling rills. here our two adventurers fed their horses.cacambo proposed to his master to take some food, and he set him an example. "how can you ask me to eat ham," saidcandide, "after killing the baron's son, and being doomed never more to see thebeautiful cunegonde? what will it avail me to spin out mywretched days and drag them far from her in remorse and despair?and what will the journal of trevoux say?" while he was thus lamenting his fate, hewent on eating. the sun went down.the two wanderers heard some little cries
which seemed to be uttered by women. they did not know whether they were criesof pain or joy; but they started up precipitately with that inquietude andalarm which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. the noise was made by two naked girls, whotripped along the mead, while two monkeys were pursuing them and biting theirbuttocks. candide was moved with pity; he had learnedto fire a gun in the bulgarian service, and he was so clever at it, that he could hit afilbert in a hedge without touching a leaf of the tree.
he took up his double-barrelled spanishfusil, let it off, and killed the two monkeys."god be praised! my dear cacambo, i have rescued those twopoor creatures from a most perilous situation. if i have committed a sin in killing aninquisitor and a jesuit, i have made ample amends by saving the lives of these girls. perhaps they are young ladies of family;and this adventure may procure us great advantages in this country." he was continuing, but stopped short whenhe saw the two girls tenderly embracing the
monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, andrending the air with the most dismal lamentations. "little did i expect to see such good-nature," said he at length to cacambo; who made answer: "master, you have done a fine thing now;you have slain the sweethearts of those two young ladies.""the sweethearts! is it possible? you are jesting, cacambo, i can neverbelieve it!" "dear master," replied cacambo; "you aresurprised at everything.
why should you think it so strange that insome countries there are monkeys which insinuate themselves into the good gracesof the ladies; they are a fourth part human, as i am a fourth part spaniard." "alas!" replied candide, "i remember tohave heard master pangloss say, that formerly such accidents used to happen;that these mixtures were productive of centaurs, fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen such monsters, buti looked upon the whole as fabulous." "you ought now to be convinced," saidcacambo, "that it is the truth, and you see what use is made of those creatures, bypersons that have not had a proper
education; all i fear is that those ladieswill play us some ugly trick." these sound reflections induced candide toleave the meadow and to plunge into a wood. he supped there with cacambo; and aftercursing the portuguese inquisitor, the governor of buenos ayres, and the baron,they fell asleep on moss. on awaking they felt that they could notmove; for during the night the oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom theladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the bark of trees. they were encompassed by fifty nakedoreillons, armed with bows and arrows, with clubs and flint hatchets.some were making a large cauldron boil,
others were preparing spits, and all cried: "a jesuit! a jesuit! we shall be revenged,we shall have excellent cheer, let us eat the jesuit, let us eat him up!" "i told you, my dear master," cried cacambosadly, "that those two girls would play us some ugly trick."candide seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried: "we are certainly going to be eitherroasted or boiled. ah! what would master pangloss say, were heto see how pure nature is formed? everything is right, may be, but i declareit is very hard to have lost miss cunegonde
and to be put upon a spit by oreillons."cacambo never lost his head. "do not despair," said he to thedisconsolate candide, "i understand a little of the jargon of these people, iwill speak to them." "be sure," said candide, "to represent tothem how frightfully inhuman it is to cook men, and how very un-christian.""gentlemen," said cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast upon a jesuit. it is all very well, nothing is more unjustthan thus to treat your enemies. indeed, the law of nature teaches us tokill our neighbour, and such is the practice all over the world.
if we do not accustom ourselves to eatingthem, it is because we have better fare. but you have not the same resources as we;certainly it is much better to devour your enemies than to resign to the crows androoks the fruits of your victory. but, gentlemen, surely you would not chooseto eat your friends. you believe that you are going to spit ajesuit, and he is your defender. it is the enemy of your enemies that youare going to roast. as for myself, i was born in your country;this gentleman is my master, and, far from being a jesuit, he has just killed one,whose spoils he wears; and thence comes your mistake.
to convince you of the truth of what i say,take his habit and carry it to the first barrier of the jesuit kingdom, and informyourselves whether my master did not kill a jesuit officer. it will not take you long, and you canalways eat us if you find that i have lied to you.but i have told you the truth. you are too well acquainted with theprinciples of public law, humanity, and justice not to pardon us."the oreillons found this speech very reasonable. they deputed two of their principal peoplewith all expedition to inquire into the
truth of the matter; these executed theircommission like men of sense, and soon returned with good news. the oreillons untied their prisoners,showed them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment,and reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming with greatjoy: "he is no jesuit!he is no jesuit!" candide could not help being surprised atthe cause of his deliverance. "what people!" said he; "what men! whatmanners! if i had not been so lucky as to run misscunegonde's brother through the body, i
should have been devoured withoutredemption. but, after all, pure nature is good, sincethese people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have shown me a thousand civilities,when then i was not a jesuit." chapter xviiarrival of candide and his valet at el dorado, and what they saw there. "you see," said cacambo to candide, as soonas they had reached the frontiers of the oreillons, "that this hemisphere is notbetter than the others, take my word for it; let us go back to europe by theshortest way." "how go back?" said candide, "and whereshall we go? to my own country?
the bulgarians and the abares are slayingall; to portugal? there i shall be burnt; and if we abide here we are every moment indanger of being spitted. but how can i resolve to quit a part of theworld where my dear cunegonde resides?" "let us turn towards cayenne," saidcacambo, "there we shall find frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they mayassist us; god will perhaps have pity on us." it was not easy to get to cayenne; theyknew vaguely in which direction to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages,obstructed them all the way. their horses died of fatigue.
their provisions were consumed; they fed awhole month upon wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a little riverbordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and their hopes. cacambo, who was as good a counsellor asthe old woman, said to candide: "we are able to hold out no longer; we havewalked enough. i see an empty canoe near the river-side;let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw ourselves into it, and go with the current;a river always leads to some inhabited spot. if we do not find pleasant things we shallat least find new things."
"with all my heart," said candide, "let usrecommend ourselves to providence." they rowed a few leagues, between banks, insome places flowery, in others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. the stream ever widened, and at length lostitself under an arch of frightful rocks which reached to the sky.the two travellers had the courage to commit themselves to the current. the river, suddenly contracting at thisplace, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity. at the end of four-and-twenty hours theysaw daylight again, but their canoe was
dashed to pieces against the rocks. for a league they had to creep from rock torock, until at length they discovered an extensive plain, bounded by inaccessiblemountains. the country was cultivated as much forpleasure as for necessity. on all sides the useful was also thebeautiful. the roads were covered, or rather adorned,with carriages of a glittering form and substance, in which were men and women ofsurprising beauty, drawn by large red sheep which surpassed in fleetness the finest coursers of andalusia, tetuan, andmequinez.
"here, however, is a country," saidcandide, "which is better than westphalia." he stepped out with cacambo towards thefirst village which he saw. some children dressed in tattered brocadesplayed at quoits on the outskirts. our travellers from the other world amusedthemselves by looking on. the quoits were large round pieces, yellow,red, and green, which cast a singular lustre! the travellers picked a few of them off theground; this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other of rubies--the least of themwould have been the greatest ornament on the mogul's throne.
"without doubt," said cacambo, "thesechildren must be the king's sons that are playing at quoits!"the village schoolmaster appeared at this moment and called them to school. "there," said candide, "is the preceptor ofthe royal family." the little truants immediately quittedtheir game, leaving the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings. candide gathered them up, ran to themaster, and presented them to him in a most humble manner, giving him to understand bysigns that their royal highnesses had forgotten their gold and jewels.
the schoolmaster, smiling, flung them uponthe ground; then, looking at candide with a good deal of surprise, went about hisbusiness. the travellers, however, took care togather up the gold, the rubies, and the emeralds."where are we?" cried candide. "the king's children in this country mustbe well brought up, since they are taught to despise gold and precious stones."cacambo was as much surprised as candide. at length they drew near the first house inthe village. it was built like an european palace.a crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the house.
they heard most agreeable music, and wereaware of a delicious odour of cooking. cacambo went up to the door and heard theywere talking peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for it is well known that cacambowas born in tucuman, in a village where no other language was spoken. "i will be your interpreter here," said heto candide; "let us go in, it is a public- house." immediately two waiters and two girls,dressed in cloth of gold, and their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sitdown to table with the landlord. they served four dishes of soup, eachgarnished with two young parrots; a boiled
condor which weighed two hundred pounds;two roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another;exquisite ragouts; delicious pastries; the whole served up in dishes of a kind ofrock-crystal. the waiters and girls poured out severalliqueurs drawn from the sugar-cane. most of the company were chapmen andwaggoners, all extremely polite; they asked cacambo a few questions with the greatestcircumspection, and answered his in the most obliging manner. as soon as dinner was over, cacambobelieved as well as candide that they might
well pay their reckoning by laying down twoof those large gold pieces which they had picked up. the landlord and landlady shouted withlaughter and held their sides. when the fit was over: "gentlemen," said the landlord, "it isplain you are strangers, and such guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon ustherefore for laughing when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in paymentof your reckoning. you doubtless have not the money of thecountry; but it is not necessary to have any money at all to dine in this house.
all hostelries established for theconvenience of commerce are paid by the government. you have fared but very indifferentlybecause this is a poor village; but everywhere else, you will be received asyou deserve." cacambo explained this whole discourse withgreat astonishment to candide, who was as greatly astonished to hear it. "what sort of a country then is this," saidthey to one another; "a country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where natureis of a kind so different from ours? it is probably the country where all iswell; for there absolutely must be one such
place. and, whatever master pangloss might say, ioften found that things went very ill in westphalia." chapter xviiiwhat they saw in the country of el dorado. cacambo expressed his curiosity to thelandlord, who made answer: "i am very ignorant, but not the worse onthat account. however, we have in this neighbourhood anold man retired from court who is the most learned and most communicative person inthe kingdom." at once he took cacambo to the old man.
candide acted now only a second character,and accompanied his valet. they entered a very plain house, for thedoor was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but wrought in soelegant a taste as to vie with the richest. the antechamber, indeed, was only encrustedwith rubies and emeralds, but the order in which everything was arranged made amendsfor this great simplicity. the old man received the strangers on hissofa, which was stuffed with humming-birds' feathers, and ordered his servants topresent them with liqueurs in diamond goblets; after which he satisfied theircuriosity in the following terms: "i am now one hundred and seventy-two yearsold, and i learnt of my late father, master
of the horse to the king, the amazingrevolutions of peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. the kingdom we now inhabit is the ancientcountry of the incas, who quitted it very imprudently to conquer another part of theworld, and were at length destroyed by the spaniards. "more wise by far were the princes of theirfamily, who remained in their native country; and they ordained, with theconsent of the whole nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit this little kingdom; and this haspreserved our innocence and happiness.
the spaniards have had a confused notion ofthis country, and have called it el dorado; and an englishman, whose name was sirwalter raleigh, came very near it about a hundred years ago; but being surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we havehitherto been sheltered from the rapaciousness of european nations, who havean inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake of whichthey would murder us to the last man." the conversation was long: it turnedchiefly on their form of government, their manners, their women, their publicentertainments, and the arts. at length candide, having always had ataste for metaphysics, made cacambo ask
whether there was any religion in thatcountry. the old man reddened a little. "how then," said he, "can you doubt it?do you take us for ungrateful wretches?" cacambo humbly asked, "what was thereligion in el dorado?" the old man reddened again. "can there be two religions?" said he."we have, i believe, the religion of all the world: we worship god night andmorning." "do you worship but one god?" said cacambo,who still acted as interpreter in representing candide's doubts."surely," said the old man, "there are not
two, nor three, nor four. i must confess the people from your side ofthe world ask very extraordinary questions." candide was not yet tired of interrogatingthe good old man; he wanted to know in what manner they prayed to god in el dorado. "we do not pray to him," said the worthysage; "we have nothing to ask of him; he has given us all we need, and we return himthanks without ceasing." candide having a curiosity to see thepriests asked where they were. the good old man smiled."my friend," said he, "we are all priests.
the king and all the heads of families singsolemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning, accompanied by five or sixthousand musicians." "what! have you no monks who teach, whodispute, who govern, who cabal, and who burn people that are not of their opinion?" "we must be mad, indeed, if that were thecase," said the old man; "here we are all of one opinion, and we know not what youmean by monks." during this whole discourse candide was inraptures, and he said to himself: "this is vastly different from westphaliaand the baron's castle. had our friend pangloss seen el dorado hewould no longer have said that the castle
of thunder-ten-tronckh was the finest uponearth. it is evident that one must travel." after this long conversation the old manordered a coach and six sheep to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics toconduct the travellers to court. "excuse me," said he, "if my age deprivesme of the honour of accompanying you. the king will receive you in a manner thatcannot displease you; and no doubt you will make an allowance for the customs of thecountry, if some things should not be to your liking." candide and cacambo got into the coach, thesix sheep flew, and in less than four hours
they reached the king's palace situated atthe extremity of the capital. the portal was two hundred and twenty feethigh, and one hundred wide; but words are wanting to express the materials of whichit was built. it is plain such materials must haveprodigious superiority over those pebbles and sand which we call gold and preciousstones. twenty beautiful damsels of the king'sguard received candide and cacambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them tothe bath, and dressed them in robes woven of the down of humming-birds; after which the great crown officers, of both sexes,led them to the king's apartment, between
two files of musicians, a thousand on eachside. when they drew near to the audience chambercacambo asked one of the great officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to hismajesty; whether they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs; whether they should put theirhands upon their heads or behind their backs; whether they should lick the dustoff the floor; in a word, what was the ceremony? "the custom," said the great officer, "isto embrace the king, and to kiss him on each cheek."candide and cacambo threw themselves round
his majesty's neck. he received them with all the goodnessimaginable, and politely invited them to supper. while waiting they were shown the city, andsaw the public edifices raised as high as the clouds, the market places ornamentedwith a thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water, those of liqueurs drawn from sugar-cane, incessantlyflowing into the great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone, whichgave off a delicious fragrancy like that of cloves and cinnamon.
candide asked to see the court of justice,the parliament. they told him they had none, and that theywere strangers to lawsuits. he asked if they had any prisons, and theyanswered no. but what surprised him most and gave himthe greatest pleasure was the palace of sciences, where he saw a gallery twothousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in mathematics andphysics. after rambling about the city the wholeafternoon, and seeing but a thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royalpalace, where candide sat down to table with his majesty, his valet cacambo, andseveral ladies.
never was there a better entertainment, andnever was more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his majesty. cacambo explained the king's bon-mots tocandide, and notwithstanding they were translated they still appeared to be bon-mots. of all the things that surprised candidethis was not the least. they spent a month in this hospitableplace. candide frequently said to cacambo: "i own, my friend, once more that thecastle where i was born is nothing in comparison with this; but, after all, misscunegonde is not here, and you have,
without doubt, some mistress in europe. if we abide here we shall only be upon afooting with the rest, whereas, if we return to our old world, only with twelvesheep laden with the pebbles of el dorado, we shall be richer than all the kings ineurope. we shall have no more inquisitors to fear,and we may easily recover miss cunegonde." this speech was agreeable to cacambo;mankind are so fond of roving, of making a figure in their own country, and ofboasting of what they have seen in their travels, that the two happy ones resolved to be no longer so, but to ask hismajesty's leave to quit the country.
"you are foolish," said the king. "i am sensible that my kingdom is but asmall place, but when a person is comfortably settled in any part he shouldabide there. i have not the right to detain strangers. it is a tyranny which neither our mannersnor our laws permit. all men are free.go when you wish, but the going will be very difficult. it is impossible to ascend that rapid riveron which you came as by a miracle, and which runs under vaulted rocks.
the mountains which surround my kingdom areten thousand feet high, and as steep as walls; they are each over ten leagues inbreadth, and there is no other way to descend them than by precipices. however, since you absolutely wish todepart, i shall give orders to my engineers to construct a machine that will convey youvery safely. when we have conducted you over themountains no one can accompany you further, for my subjects have made a vow never toquit the kingdom, and they are too wise to break it. ask me besides anything that you please.""we desire nothing of your majesty," says
candide, "but a few sheep laden withprovisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country." the king laughed."i cannot conceive," said he, "what pleasure you europeans find in our yellowclay, but take as much as you like, and great good may it do you." at once he gave directions that hisengineers should construct a machine to hoist up these two extraordinary men out ofthe kingdom. three thousand good mathematicians went towork; it was ready in fifteen days, and did not cost more than twenty million sterlingin the specie of that country.
they placed candide and cacambo on themachine. there were two great red sheep saddled andbridled to ride upon as soon as they were beyond the mountains, twenty pack-sheepladen with provisions, thirty with presents of the curiosities of the country, and fifty with gold, diamonds, and preciousstones. the king embraced the two wanderers verytenderly. their departure, with the ingenious mannerin which they and their sheep were hoisted over the mountains, was a splendidspectacle. the mathematicians took their leave afterconveying them to a place of safety, and
candide had no other desire, no other aim,than to present his sheep to miss cunegonde. "now," said he, "we are able to pay thegovernor of buenos ayres if miss cunegonde can be ransomed.let us journey towards cayenne. let us embark, and we will afterwards seewhat kingdom we shall be able to purchase."